Twelve Steps to Getting Big
By
Alexander Cortes
While every young guy seems to know that lifting heavy is the foundation of building muscle, most have the dietary caloric intake of a 16-year-old girl. Every bro in the world can tell you how much he bench presses, but ask him how much protein he eats a day and, 99 percent of the time, he’s completely clueless.
“I eat so much man, you wouldn’t believe it. I don’t know why I can’t gain weight. I want to weigh like 200 and be jacked!!”
“When was the last time you ate an entire carton of eggs?”
“Uhh, I don’t think I’ve ever done that…”
“Last time you ate an entire large pizza at once?”
“But I don’t want to lose my abs.”
“You would have made for a poor Viking.”
Ask any big guy how he got to be 250 pounds or more and I guarantee his answer isn’t going to be, “I ate really clean and had non-starchy carbs, and I got hooge.” That has never been said ever. That said, there seems to be a trend right now of “eat clean and be lean” year around and a general discouragement of excessive bulking and dirty eating.
Eating clean year around is swell if your goal is to continue to look like a soccer player who does curls, but if you want to reach the hallowed “damn, you’re a big guy” status, you need to down some calories. A lot of calories. More calories than your damn chicken breast and organic brown rice will provide.
Certain rules must be adhered to when eating to get big. Eating an entire pound of seared dead animal flesh is a good way to start. While in the long run, these dietary guidelines will likely enlarge your heart and leave you sweating bacon grease walking up stairs, they are guaranteed to get you hooge in the short term. Lift heavy, pack in the meals, and watch your numbers climb. If you’re serious about gaining weight and need to put on size now, man up and get ready for some truly epic eating.
1) Eat an entire pound of beef. Until you’ve eaten an entire pound of ground sirloin in one sitting, don’t complain that you can’t gain weight. Clearly, you aren’t trying hard enough.
2) Cook a packet of bacon. Bacon makes everything better. Plus, I’m pretty positive that the saturated fat boosts testosterone. The calories are like 1000 or something. Don’t want to start our day catabolic now, do we? On a side note, cook everything else in the bacon grease for a greater boost of testosterone. You can’t tell me that this doesn’t make any food taste frickin delicious. It’s a great way to get your vegetables in.
3) Eat Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Remember, insulin is the most anabolic hormone, and we want it to skyrocket post-workout. Not only is every flavor delicious, I’m positive that the quarts are secretly designed to be post-workout meals with 1000 calories, 100 grams of carbs, 30–40 grams of fat, and some grade A dairy protein. Toss in some protein powder and you have the most delicious weight gainer in existence.
4) Eat a pound of rice with every pound of meat. Seriously, do this for a month and watch the numbers on the scale climb. Rice comes in 50-lb bags, so you don’t have any excuse. Also, the Chinese weightlifting team does this, and they won like half the golds in weightlifting at the last Olympics (I’m assuming it’s from the rice).
5) Consume butter. Jason Pegg once described cooking with massive amounts of butter as “a lake of awesome.” He was right. Prepare every food with butter and top that food with more butter afterward. The butter fat is good for you because your cells are made of fat (said science).
6) Have a frozen pizza with olive oil. Buy a large extra meat frozen pizza. After baking, cover the entire pizza in olive oil. Consume this in one sitting. This is my preferred post-deadlift meal. The sodium will help you rehydrate.
7) Eat a carton of eggs a day. This is 900 calories, 72 grams of protein, and 60 grams of fat. Don’t worry about the cholesterol; it will turn into mega testosterone.
8) Drink maple syrup. Want the greatest breakfast food ever? Say it with me…maple syrup bacon omelet! We gotta spike the insulin somehow. It’s anabolic time when we bust out the syrup. Protein shake syrup shots? I’ll take three!
9) Eat chicken. Why yes, I will have a whole bucket of chicken! Every market has these pre-cooked and ready to be devoured. There are few animals that can be consumed whole in one sitting. Chicken is one of them. This is great if you prefer leaner protein. Deep fried, of course.
10) Have some fish sticks (and all other fried fish). We needs those omega 3s!! The convenient thing with fish sticks is that you have your carbs and protein in finger food form. Hence, you can eat 20–30 of them and somehow it hardly seems like a meal. I recommend squirting some lemon on them after the oven. Vitamin C intake is important.
11) Drink chocolate milk. Unless your lactose intolerance will actually kill you, start drinking the chocolate milk. Pre-workout, post-workout, morning, evening, dinner, bedtime, and post-sexy time, science has led me to believe that the carb to protein ratio is perfect. Trust science.
12) Eat barbeque sauce. If you have a penis, you should be using barbeque sauce. End of discussion. Vinaigrette and balsamic are for women.
Our typical day’s meals may look something like this:
Total calories = a fuckton
Grams of protein = enough to get swole
Grams of fat = I lost count, but your T-levels will be ridiculous.
Grams of carbs = 1000? Gotta keep our glycogen stores up!
Your abs = Did Vikings care about their abs? Hell no, they didn’t. You think you’re more bad ass than a Viking?
I dare anyone to eat this way for a week and tell me they can’t gain weight. I dare you. So there you have it—everyone wants to be big, but no one wants to eat big. Follow these twelve steps and you’ll be on your way to being hooge!
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Originally Posted by toppjimie
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