don't know whether im coming or going.
spent years pushing weights but have never seen my abbs.. I cant get strict enough on my diet.. I have so many issues with my training. So many fuck ups.

Here's how stupid I was.. when I first started training I walked in to a gym at 26.. No one gave me advice.. And no one probably wanted to.. I used to train barefeet, jandals, or work boots and a swandry.. So I just trained away.. Doing bench pressing every single day.. I would go in, bench press my arse off then come back the next day and do it all over gain.

My diet consisted of zero protein.. No one told me I had to eat protein.. I was trying to lose weight so starved myself for the whole year and bench pressed every time I went to the gym. Ended up with a fucked shoulder.. That was the start of my problems.. I didn't have any goals.. didn't care about getting big, just loved pushing weights.. But screwing up my shoulder and starving mself the issues with my shoulder didn't get better.. had big lay offs..

Then this dumb ass got in to roids.. spent several months being injected with vet grade deca. No one told me I had to stack it with testosterone...
I think that some how fucked my natural test.. I always seemed to struggle for energy after that..

done a few years on trt. Fark that helped immensely. Trained like a Trojan.. still couldn't control my diet.. Been a fatty since I was born.. .. used to train in mma before, but the always struggled.. The trt took it to a new level.. Trained my ass off.. but went to see an endo, he told me to get off trt, said it was bad..

So spent the last 6 months sitting on the couch after getting off trt.. I love my boxing.. done that for years.. But found even that waned.. Got to the point all I want to do is watch tv... I thought I would die pushing weights, now I don't even want to go back to the gym..

The other day I decided enough was enough and started to look for a way to fight back.. now at 54, running out of time to ever see my abbs. Been a dream of mine to get skinny enough to see my abbs. no doubt, I love my training but im a fuck up...


so off to the doc and got a prescript of duromine.. So now im dropping weight. Im losing my fat, but I need to get back to the gym and get my life back on track.. Im thinking if I can lose some fat, my estrogen levels will drop, and my test will rise..

Will that be enough to get me back on track?

I need to start going back to the gym. I need to preserve the mussel I hve built over the years.. on the other hand I want to just let the pills take their course and jus stop eating and lose weight.

common sense dictates I go on a proper cutting cycle but that will take for ever to get my weight down.. fark. don't know what else to say.. getting sick of being so fucking useless..

options? im thinking of just doing a cycle, perhaps adding some clen, but keeping my cals just under maintanence level..

at least im not contemplating just sitting on the couch... some one give this idiot a kick up the ass and steer him in the right direction Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee..