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10-19-2018, 04:13 AM
#881
Originally Posted by
Cowboymike
Day 127
Sorry I’m slacking today off... I did legs after brutal day at work and got cut short from the wifey who was concerned about her mom not answering the phone and missing the ride to the doctors... she was upset enough I just left the gym to go see what was up... and her mom was laid out on the floor again unable to get up.... so been dealing with that all evening...
I feel horrible for my horrible thoughts... I just grew up in a world where when people don’t take care of themselves, then they are fucked because of it... I got no sympathy for that... like literally none... zero... I feel cold, heartless and like a scumbag for the horrible thoughts I have of irritation, frustration and then anger... but then my ego takes over and makes me feel justified in my feelings... like fuck this person... they have diseases they didn’t give two fucks about and did zero to take care of themself, now they’re paying the prices... why the fuck is this my burden?
And then I feel the shame, guilt and like a complete piece of shit for my thoughts...
that’s still a suffering human being. Regardless how they got there... still in pain. Still suffering. Probably scared and feeling like a burden... confused with a fucked memory and a rapidly decreasing IQ... logical doesn’t exist in the thought process... survival tactics or ability is at a zero level... like, zero... lay there in one spot, pissing oneself and not eating or taking meds... unable to crawl around or move? And then the anger creeps back up... repeat process but add in a bit of manic on the emotional swings....
Sorry to drop that in the log... I’m just at a loss... I don’t know how to help this human being... it kills me to see my girl hurting and there’s nothing I can do about it... it kills me to not be able to know the next steps... I can’t afford this person.. she’s never gotten technically divorced so I can’t get her on welfare Medicare or whatever to get her in a nursing facility... but this is 4 times this week she’s fallen and just sat there all day/night... she gets 1800 a month from the ex husband... which is like not even half of what a nursing home will cost...
So I’m at a loss... how do I help this human being? How do I stop thinking my stupid asshole thoughts?
End rant...
I’ll respond to y’all tomorrow.. sorry to be slacking! I’ll catch up tomorrow
Wow deep stuff. I am a religious person so my answer is always the same. But for those who are not I have 0 idea. It is sweet of you to be there for the support though.
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10-19-2018, 04:42 AM
#882
Ok pulled my head out of my ass.. the ranting kind of helped actually.... took over fresh sheets, and yes, as penance for my horrible thoughts, I even brought over one of the 1500 thread count 100% Egyptian cotton sets... I have 3 sets and they’re one of my most coveted household items... just under my full set of cutco knives... I know she’ll end up peeing in them... it is what it is... I brought home the other old sheet sets piling up and I’ll wash them tomorrow... I made her bed tonight and let my girl home home to eat and get ready for bed... helped her get into bed...
I’m grateful my thoughts don’t leave my head... I’m deathly afraid they will if I keep thinking them...
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10-19-2018, 04:48 AM
#883
Originally Posted by
GymPrincess
Wow deep stuff. I am a religious person so my answer is always the same. But for those who are not I have 0 idea. It is sweet of you to be there for the support though.
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I’m definitely not religious... but I’d be a liar if I tried to say I haven’t been praying like a mofo so much this year... if I tried to lie and say I don’t have a huge gaping hole in my spirit that I can’t seem to fill... but it’s like as quick as I can admit that, just as quick my insides turn rotten and I’m thinking of things negatively and anger builds and then I’m in hate over things and rage and this fuck this and that asshole that..... I wish I could have a few weeks of the opposite... or figure out the steps to start reversing this thing... I honestly feel like I’m possessed... I don’t know to even explain it... it feels psychotic.
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10-19-2018, 07:11 AM
#884
Originally Posted by
Cowboymike
Day 127
Sorry I’m slacking today off... I did legs after brutal day at work and got cut short from the wifey who was concerned about her mom not answering the phone and missing the ride to the doctors... she was upset enough I just left the gym to go see what was up... and her mom was laid out on the floor again unable to get up.... so been dealing with that all evening...
I feel horrible for my horrible thoughts... I just grew up in a world where when people don’t take care of themselves, then they are fucked because of it... I got no sympathy for that... like literally none... zero... I feel cold, heartless and like a scumbag for the horrible thoughts I have of irritation, frustration and then anger... but then my ego takes over and makes me feel justified in my feelings... like fuck this person... they have diseases they didn’t give two fucks about and did zero to take care of themself, now they’re paying the prices... why the fuck is this my burden?
And then I feel the shame, guilt and like a complete piece of shit for my thoughts...
that’s still a suffering human being. Regardless how they got there... still in pain. Still suffering. Probably scared and feeling like a burden... confused with a fucked memory and a rapidly decreasing IQ... logical doesn’t exist in the thought process... survival tactics or ability is at a zero level... like, zero... lay there in one spot, pissing oneself and not eating or taking meds... unable to crawl around or move? And then the anger creeps back up... repeat process but add in a bit of manic on the emotional swings....
Sorry to drop that in the log... I’m just at a loss... I don’t know how to help this human being... it kills me to see my girl hurting and there’s nothing I can do about it... it kills me to not be able to know the next steps... I can’t afford this person.. she’s never gotten technically divorced so I can’t get her on welfare Medicare or whatever to get her in a nursing facility... but this is 4 times this week she’s fallen and just sat there all day/night... she gets 1800 a month from the ex husband... which is like not even half of what a nursing home will cost...
So I’m at a loss... how do I help this human being? How do I stop thinking my stupid asshole thoughts?
End rant...
I’ll respond to y’all tomorrow.. sorry to be slacking! I’ll catch up tomorrow
My condolences on the tough times Mike. It's one thing when it's happening to me, but when it's a loved one and I feel powerless over it, it's one of the worst feelings.
I try to stay in the present. I also employ as much empathy as I can muster. We're only human after all. I have the fortunate position of fucking up in almost every way possible. It makes it easy to relate and forgive people. Never forget, though I will always offer any assistance and support I can to those who need it. It helps me keep my conscious clear. Neglect can establish culpubility.
At the end of the day the result is worm food for all. Might as well use a bit of the time we got on this blue rock to make it a bit better for those around us. Even if they may not be able to appreciate it. Even if they may not have "deserved it". Eye for an eye leaves the world blind.
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10-19-2018, 11:35 AM
#885
Do you know for sure she doesnt qualify for anything because shes still legally married?
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10-19-2018, 01:01 PM
#886
Originally Posted by
StateSide
Thanks brother. Yeah we plan to have a damned good time. Hope you do the same.
You live in the south or just visiting?
Thanks bro.
Yes.. I live south of Ash.. about 1.5 hours.
You?
JMcF
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10-19-2018, 01:05 PM
#887
Originally Posted by
JimmyMcFistacuff
Thanks bro.
Yes.. I live south of Ash.. about 1.5 hours.
You?
JMcF
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GA boy here. East of Atlanta where the city meets the country. Love it but we are damned sure trying to move north into the mountains.
If I could get solid work in Chattanooga or Charlotte, I’d move tomorrow.
Just a little guy gonna get big...
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10-19-2018, 01:14 PM
#888
Originally Posted by
StateSide
GA boy here. East of Atlanta where the city meets the country. Love it but we are damned sure trying to move north into the mountains.
If I could get solid work in Chattanooga or Charlotte, I’d move tomorrow.
I'm from SC... I'm close to char., out in the county but close enough when I need to "go to town" haha.
Come on up this way...
JMcF.
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10-19-2018, 01:16 PM
#889
Oh yeah, keep up the solid work bro...
JMcF.
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10-19-2018, 05:20 PM
#890
Yeah look into this. Idk why I didnt think of it. I was legally married but separated and I was still able to get assistance since my husbands info and finances no longer counted.
Good thinking german!
Originally Posted by
German89
Do you know for sure she doesnt qualify for anything because shes still legally married?
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